today, because i am having a feeling kind off day, i wanted to capitalize on the things i never say. or maybe i say them, but no one listens, or maybe i just don't say them loud enough, the timing isn't right, or the day is too full of other feelings for the real feelings to rise up above everything else in this busy world. my words are having traffic jams today in my head. it's as if all the traffic signals in the city have gone out and the words don't know their way without those signals, the dull red, orange, and green lights that live with blinders on in the yellow cylindrical houses that dangle precariously from the wire. the words that carry so much emotion, so much thought, so much of my precious life in simple little syllables, passengers in this life, wanting so badly to arrive at their destination. words that long to ride without a safety belt, that long to get whispered into the soft folds of an ear, that dream of being written down in a heartfelt card, that aspire to fall off the lips of someone during a proposal, a promise of forever, a promise of a life that makes the world a more beautiful place, whether for everyone else or just one.
call me sentimental. i am a poet after all. i am a woman. i am a child of god. i am a twenty~something, recalling life, loving my husband, realizing the thickness and the grand quantity of blessings i am smothered in, in a good way, that dodge so many other unfortunate souls. i love words and what they carry and how they connect me with others, whether others ever really read them or not. i know they have been said, out loud. i know they have been written, in ink. i know they have carried so much more than just the syllables. i know they have carried pieces of my heart, my passions, my soul into the world, into the minds of those i love, into the periphery of strangers, into the consciousness of the universe.
let me start with an apology to those who knew me before i learned how comforting an apology could be. i am sorry. i am sorry for ever hurting you, in any way, that served me and destroyed you. and even if it was something that small that didn't destroy you at all, but it was big enough to cause you to stumble, to reconsider your path, i am sorry. i was selfish for a long time. i relapse even still. i am learning to allow my love to grow so large and consume so much that the selfish part of things will fall by the wayside. i am sorry.
i love you. maybe i have said it to you before. maybe i haven't. that is the point of this after all. i love you because i have known you too long not to. i love you because you have been my friend when you didn't have to be, when i didn't deserve it. because of the way you make me feel when i am around you. because of your musical laughter. because of your talent. because of your heart. because of the great stories you always offer up to make me smile. i love you because you cry with me over the telephone when i am happy or when i am sad. i love you because you make me a better person. because you share your happiness, your sadness, your struggles, your laughter with me. i love you for knowing the right thing to say at the right moment, for knowing how to just be with me when words simply fail. i love you for taking the time to say hello to me. without that one small moment in time, it never would have happened. our lives never would have merged. our stories would have never been parallel, intertwined, our stories never would have existed. what a shame. i am a better person and it has a lot to do with you. i love you.
i cherish the small things...i smile at the sound of the loud truck that pulls into my driveway every evening. i find fondness in the neighbor out mowing the lawn. i enjoy coming home to a home, not an apartment, not roommates, but to my cats and my husband. my solitude is now to be shared with my husband and it is amazing to me that i enjoy it as much as i do. it's as simple as a cold beer or nice a glass of wine after a terrible day. it's listening to good jazz in a home dimly lit by the flicker of candles. it is all so opposite of my days of traffic, drama, stress, fluorescent lighting, bosses, and people who are angry and empty. i am so grateful for having a safe place to lay my head and an amazingly kind man to share my pillow with...
i find myself learning more about life, about how little it has to do with me, about how precious my family is, about how deep my ties go with my friends.
i can't end this. i can't write more, but there is much more left to say. stayed tuned for this continued tangent.
